Dear...
Your Unsent Letters...Sent
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Mom
Dear Mom,
I just want to start out by saying how much I love you, and how thankful I am for having a mother who allowed me to try anything that my little heart found interest in. You really mean everything to me, and you always will.
Above all, though, I miss you. Even though i still see you almost every day, you're not there anymore. The mother i once had, that i could count on, is lost somewhere inside your mind. I wish that my words could have somehow brought you back, but i guess you're just not ready to to return yet. I hope you do before you die, because every time you snort coke, you're risking your life. I want you to see me get married, i want you to see me have children, but i can't help but fear every day that you wont ever get to see those things. It's gotten to the point where i can't be at home anymore, even today, Easter. Not that holiday's ever go smoothly at the house, but it's just too much for me right now. The last two days have been such a nightmare that i almost can't handle it. I thank whoever is up there for Gary every day, because without him not only would i not have a place to go, but i also wouldn't be able to make it through all of this.
It really breaks my heart that you've chosen cocaine over your children, and grandchildren. Is life with us really that horrible?
Last night when we had another talk, i realized that you really are just gone. I don't know you? are you kidding? you've been telling me that i'm your soul mate for years, that you can always open up to me. How can i not know you? I know you are a really private person, but i am your daughter, your youngest daughter, your "soul mate". why can't you just talk to me anymore? I ask you what your plan would be, if we have you 3 months to do it on your own, and you just beat around the bush and then say "i'll get it out of my life". Thats not a plan, Mom. a plan is "i'm going to go talk to a professional, and see what my options are". Atleast i got you to admit that you don't have a plan, but i guess that doesn't really matter anyway.
I talked to Miranda before i left and she told me that you want to wean yourself off of it. That isn't going to work. You need to just Stop, flat out. Otherwise, it will never end. And mom, i'm not abandoning you, like you say i am. It's not abandonment when you've said and done everything you possibly can to get someone to help themselves. There comes a point where you have to start thinking about yourself, and your own sanity. I didn't want to leave the house, but i had to. You drove me away by choosing a drug over me. We wanted to prevent you from hitting a bottom like dad did when he was drinking, but apparently we're going to just have to wait. I just hope your bottom isn't you, lying on the floor, dead because your heart couldn't handle it anymore.
Mom, i hope that sometime soon you see whats happening, and that you choose to end it. I hope you understand that you're destroying the relationships you have with your three daughters, and that you don't even have any relationship with your two grandchildren. Maybe when you realize that, you'll stop. Because i know that we used to matter to you, or maybe we still do. maybe your caring about us is lost deep within yourself, where you've buried my mother. I hope she isn't suffocating.
Happy easter, Mom. I love you. I miss you.
Love, always
Jonna
I just want to start out by saying how much I love you, and how thankful I am for having a mother who allowed me to try anything that my little heart found interest in. You really mean everything to me, and you always will.
Above all, though, I miss you. Even though i still see you almost every day, you're not there anymore. The mother i once had, that i could count on, is lost somewhere inside your mind. I wish that my words could have somehow brought you back, but i guess you're just not ready to to return yet. I hope you do before you die, because every time you snort coke, you're risking your life. I want you to see me get married, i want you to see me have children, but i can't help but fear every day that you wont ever get to see those things. It's gotten to the point where i can't be at home anymore, even today, Easter. Not that holiday's ever go smoothly at the house, but it's just too much for me right now. The last two days have been such a nightmare that i almost can't handle it. I thank whoever is up there for Gary every day, because without him not only would i not have a place to go, but i also wouldn't be able to make it through all of this.
It really breaks my heart that you've chosen cocaine over your children, and grandchildren. Is life with us really that horrible?
Last night when we had another talk, i realized that you really are just gone. I don't know you? are you kidding? you've been telling me that i'm your soul mate for years, that you can always open up to me. How can i not know you? I know you are a really private person, but i am your daughter, your youngest daughter, your "soul mate". why can't you just talk to me anymore? I ask you what your plan would be, if we have you 3 months to do it on your own, and you just beat around the bush and then say "i'll get it out of my life". Thats not a plan, Mom. a plan is "i'm going to go talk to a professional, and see what my options are". Atleast i got you to admit that you don't have a plan, but i guess that doesn't really matter anyway.
I talked to Miranda before i left and she told me that you want to wean yourself off of it. That isn't going to work. You need to just Stop, flat out. Otherwise, it will never end. And mom, i'm not abandoning you, like you say i am. It's not abandonment when you've said and done everything you possibly can to get someone to help themselves. There comes a point where you have to start thinking about yourself, and your own sanity. I didn't want to leave the house, but i had to. You drove me away by choosing a drug over me. We wanted to prevent you from hitting a bottom like dad did when he was drinking, but apparently we're going to just have to wait. I just hope your bottom isn't you, lying on the floor, dead because your heart couldn't handle it anymore.
Mom, i hope that sometime soon you see whats happening, and that you choose to end it. I hope you understand that you're destroying the relationships you have with your three daughters, and that you don't even have any relationship with your two grandchildren. Maybe when you realize that, you'll stop. Because i know that we used to matter to you, or maybe we still do. maybe your caring about us is lost deep within yourself, where you've buried my mother. I hope she isn't suffocating.
Happy easter, Mom. I love you. I miss you.
Love, always
Jonna
Unsent Letters, 12:02 AM
