Dear...

You're 33 years old now. I love you, I really do love you, but please stop dressing like a 13 year old. In fact, please stop letting your 13 year old dress like a 13 year old. When you and I were kids, the only women who dressed like that got paid paltry sums on street corners to do unmentionable things to creepy old men with fetishes.

No one needs to see the keg you are positive is a nice 6 pack. And no one needs to see JUICY written across the butt of your shorts. And those shorts...please pick them out of your nether cheeks.

I don't know when slut-wear became acceptable, but seriously, you're far too old and too mature looking to pull it off. Sooner or later the grandfather of one of our friends is going to offer you $20 to play "find the wonder weenie," because that's just the image those clothes are projecting.

Please, I'll even buy you a whole new wardrobe if you'll just cover up the goods and take the ads off your ass.

With Sincere Love And Affection,
Your Younger Brother By 3 Whole Minutes