Dear...

This is a stop sign. It means STOP.
That white line on the street? That's a limit line. It means STOP BEFORE YOUR CROSS IT.

This is a cell phone.
Hang up and DRIVE. Or PULL OVER to TALK.

=



You came |''''1''''| this close to hitting my kid and I.

have a right to be on the road, too.

Don't mouth "Sorry, I didn't see you" to me You didn;'t see me because you WEREN'T LOOKING. You didn't look because you were BUSY TALKING on that damned CELL PHONE.

It's probably a good thing you kept driving, because if you had stopped to help me pick my kid off the street--yeah, he fell over--I probably would have shoved that phone up your (__|__)

Subject: Advice on how to treat your NEW girlfriend

You appeared to be stunned when I announced that I was leaving you. In fact, the only question you came up with was, "what if I want children?" I don't know where the hell that came from. Here are some pointers that might clear up the mystery of why I kicked your ass to the curb, and prevent similar incidents in the future.

1. Don't revacuum the floor after she finishes doing it & tell her you're "just doing it right." It's rude & shows what a control freak you really are.
   
2. Don't give the next woman you decide to sleep with your girlfriend's email address. I didn't like it & neither will she.
   
3. Relating to #2: don't put porn on your girlfriend's computer. Opening up Windows Media Player to find "Alyssa Milano Rug Munching" as a file title when your 7 year old nephew is standing there is not a good thing.
   
4. Don't use your girlfriend as an excuse not to do things with your buddies. Grow a set & tell them no. They didn't believe I was a bitch, & I doubt they'll buy you've hooked up with two in a row.
   
5. Don't bring the next woman you decide to sleep with home to meet your girlfriend. She won't buy the "drinking buddy" label any more than I did, especially since she was the last "drinking buddy" you screwed around on me with.
   
6. Don't let the next woman you decide to sleep with give you hickeys to bring home to show your girlfriend. It's not classy.
   
7. Don't threaten to throw your girlfriend's possessions out into the street, (you probably need them after I took everything of mine you threatened to toss out.)
   
8. Buy some cleaning products & groceries once in a while, you cheap bastard. & don't bring home cold water detergent to save 2 cents & bitch that the food stains on your t-shirts don't come out. If you insist on eating like a two year old, you need something with stain removing properties.
   

Oh, and as a footnote: Unfortunately, we all still live in the same small town. I've lived here my entire life & I'm not going anywhere. I would appreciate it if you both stop acting like whipped dogs when we run into each other. Although I will admit to getting satisfaction out of the panic & guilt in your eyes, and the scurrying like rats, it's getting tiresome. Quite frankly, I could give a shit that you exist singly or together.

Signed: Your former girlfriend

Look, I don't have a problem with your choice of late night recreation. You're quiet and you never bother anyone.

But you should know that the guy across the street is a cop. And he probably knows as well as I that there's not a skunk running around the neighborhood.

You might want to go toke up in the garage instead, with an air purifier running before he catches a whiff and busts your ass.

Signed,
A Former Doobie Bro.

I can't wait to be out of this place. I wish I could turn my notice in today, but I need one more month of your pay. See, I've taken a job, in my field, where I actually get to do the work I'm trained to do instead of spending all day with your bi-polar, non-professional self watching You Tube and NBC.com reruns online. The job is lots less money but since I've already been doing it as a second job (yeah, you didn't know that did you) I know I'll love it.

And, I get to work from home at least two days a week. Whoopie! This is a great opportunity for me to stretch my wings and positively impact a business.I'll never get to do that here because you are to dense to realize how important marketing is. Even tho you hired me to do a particular job, after over a year of waiting, I'm sure that is never going to happen, especially how even tho my cards say "Marketing Manager" you accidentally sent me an email describing me as your "Assistant."

No wonder why I have to explain myself at the few networking events you let me attend (which always bring in a new client or referral), no one can figure out why your "Assistant" is there! I always wondered about that, but when I mentioned it to you, you "don't have a clue."

Well no kidding you don't have a clue. I could've done a great job for you, (you're good at what you do, I don't know why you don't want anyone else to know) but you just won't let me.

Then there is the crying and cussing (and I'm no shirker of cussing myself, but screetching 50 times a day because you screwed up gets really annoying). Let's not forget deadlines. How many jobs have you lost for us because you didn't get around to sending in the RFP on time? Jeez. You'd even call for an extention, then miss that deadline date! It makes my head hurt.

Anyway, I just can't wait to get out of here. In 2 weeks I'll give you my 2 weeks notice and then begin my new life in my new job. You're going to be so pissed (since you ran the only other person out of here last month and can't find a replacement - BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T STARTED LOOKING!!!!) because you'll be chugging along alone. But really, isn't that the way you want it? It sure seems that way.

Sincerely,
You're not going to know what hit you!

I am the mother of a new driver, a 15 ½ year old whom I would like to reach adulthood. We are teaching him to make sure (before he enters an intersection from a stop sign) that it is clear, that he has accurately assessed the speed on oncoming vehicles, that there are no pedestrians, and that he can safely make it through without injury to himself, the car, or anyone else (and he should sit at that stop sign until all of those criteria are met). It does not make matters easier to have you (who cannot see oncoming traffic because you are behind us and there are trees and shrubs blocking your view) repeatedly honk your horn at us. It isn’t going to make that speeding SUV go away and as a concerned Mom I am going to be sitting there repeating the mantra “patient”, “patient”, “patient”…

You’re a jerk and I sincerely hope that you aren’t a parent,

Irritated Mom

You may wonder why we have never gotten close. Maybe it's because you never let me in. Maybe it's because you treat me like I'm invisible. Hopefully you will never know what that feels like. I may not be your father or your bio mother but I still have feelings and emotions and hurt when not included. It hurts to know that you use your cell phone to spend over 2000 minutes a month talking to everyone but me. You live at our home while home from college and still call your father nearly every day to ask a simple question or to just talk to him because you can't wait till you get home to talk to us both then. You never call me for something as simple as to say you won't be home for dinner tonight or to ask me for an answer to a simple question that you call your father for. I'm here to answer any question you may have and have told you many times to call me whenever you want to but you never do. I've made the effort to call you and then that's it, I never get another call. You have made me feel that no matter what you will never make me a part of your life or your family because you can't even make a simple phone call to me yet you call your father for everything. Is that necessary? All I want is to just be part of the family but you keep leaving me out. Guess what? I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore. The door is closed.

Your Stepmother

Thanks for getting me in trouble. I was only being sympathetic and listening to your complaints when I made the comment. I didn't realize that it was your mission in life to share your pain. From now on, anything you have to say to me you can put in writing.

That is all.